I am not a "kind" person...but nor am i "evil".
I am just one of the many people who would perform acts of kindness every now and then. Especially when it is convenient to myself. Seldom going out of the way to do so.
Acts of kindness performed in convenience is not true kindness. That's why i do consider myself not a "kind" person.
However, push comes to a shove, i will often prefer to put myself in the tough spot over putting others on it. It's an easier burden to bear compared to the moral burden that would be the opposing choice.
On that case, i do consider myself to be more altruistic than most. I am capable of making snap decisions that sacrifices myself over others if those are the only two choices.
Good or bad. Kind or evil. Regardless of either intentions, acts of kindness still makes me feel nice. Sometimes, happy, even.
...
...which is why i guess i am really broken now.
---
It was yesterday. Heavy rain in the morning. Slight drizzle in the afternoon.
Went out to pack my lunch as usual. The darker-than-usual skies warrant an accompanying umbrella.
When i was done and returning, at a junction crossing over the green flashing pedestrian light, was an old man who had no umbrella on him. The drizzle turned into a downpour without warning. I hurried, but was nowhere near running, towards the old man in front of me and offered to cover him under my umbrella.
I felt compelled to shift the umbrella towards my right, which was where he was, since I was the one who offered to help - as it made sense to me to ensured he is fully covered. Even at the expense of exposing my left to the rain, which was not a big deal. Or any concern to be had.
We made small talk while we walk. I will skip penning them down since the conversation was trivial.
Once we reach a shelter, the old man continued on his way, thanking me profusely.
Usually, this level of appreciation would make me feel some pride. Or happiness.
...
...which is why i guess i am really broken now.
...because i did not feel anything.
Not a damned thing.
No pride nor happiness being thanked.
No anger nor discomfort over the wet shoulder.
It was just stillness. Like the surface of a puddle formed after the rain had completely stopped.
...
Not a damned thing at all.
---
...which is why i guess i am really broken now.
I am just one of the many people who would perform acts of kindness every now and then. Especially when it is convenient to myself. Seldom going out of the way to do so.
Acts of kindness performed in convenience is not true kindness. That's why i do consider myself not a "kind" person.
However, push comes to a shove, i will often prefer to put myself in the tough spot over putting others on it. It's an easier burden to bear compared to the moral burden that would be the opposing choice.
On that case, i do consider myself to be more altruistic than most. I am capable of making snap decisions that sacrifices myself over others if those are the only two choices.
Good or bad. Kind or evil. Regardless of either intentions, acts of kindness still makes me feel nice. Sometimes, happy, even.
...
...which is why i guess i am really broken now.
---
It was yesterday. Heavy rain in the morning. Slight drizzle in the afternoon.
Went out to pack my lunch as usual. The darker-than-usual skies warrant an accompanying umbrella.
When i was done and returning, at a junction crossing over the green flashing pedestrian light, was an old man who had no umbrella on him. The drizzle turned into a downpour without warning. I hurried, but was nowhere near running, towards the old man in front of me and offered to cover him under my umbrella.
I felt compelled to shift the umbrella towards my right, which was where he was, since I was the one who offered to help - as it made sense to me to ensured he is fully covered. Even at the expense of exposing my left to the rain, which was not a big deal. Or any concern to be had.
We made small talk while we walk. I will skip penning them down since the conversation was trivial.
Once we reach a shelter, the old man continued on his way, thanking me profusely.
Usually, this level of appreciation would make me feel some pride. Or happiness.
...
...which is why i guess i am really broken now.
...because i did not feel anything.
Not a damned thing.
No pride nor happiness being thanked.
No anger nor discomfort over the wet shoulder.
It was just stillness. Like the surface of a puddle formed after the rain had completely stopped.
...
Not a damned thing at all.
---
...which is why i guess i am really broken now.
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