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The next steps.

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There were some really dark moments i felt sometimes when i report to work. While i was working on my tasks, thoughts emerged and stayed on the surface.

"Leave."

"What am i even doing here?"

Sometimes these thoughts were instantaneously gone. Sometimes, for the morning. Worst, it persisted for the entire day at work.

I've become a much more negative person at work. Whilst i don't lash out and keep it in me, there are moments, increasing moments, of me inserting poorly chosen words to stir up the situation and see work diverted.

That was more than 18 months ago. I decided in 2018 that i wanted to leave. That was when i decided that i want to be a teacher. What i did not expect was repeated failures to gain entry. And so, from what i know i want to be, it became a job search for the next better thing.

Compromise and compromise. Paycuts, scope of work mismatch, no progression prospects. I thought those were things i can compromise and accept.

Right now, if i am to be honest, i am a bit glad that i did not make it into any of my currently applied job.

My goal is still to leave. But now, i need to figure a different thing out.

What do i really want to be doing when i am out?

For this, i am prepared to leave without securing my next job. Bold move, might even be foolish...but my mental state cannot accept things as they are now. I am afraid of how little more i can take before i really start lashing out.

While the nation is being forced to stay at home, i should be taking my time thinking about my next few steps.

What is it that i am looking for?

I can only hope that i arrive at an answer before life carries on as normal.

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