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Back to the crunch in some manner. Had to go to work today since i wasn't able to accomplish what i had to do back on Thursday. Might as well run through all of the depressing stuff today.

...but to be truthful the current situation about work is not bad. Short hours and i only have to bother when someone calls. However, getting to work and leaving is a nightmare with the mandatory mask wearing.

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It has been 4 weeks since i started the anime marathons.

4 weeks since i straight up stop caring about work.

Actually i have stopped caring about work a long time ago. However, it didn't mean that i stop trying.

I guess i meant to say that i have stopped trying. Stopped trying 4 weeks ago.

Somewhere deep, deep inside my mind, i really believe that if we are not in the state of lockdown, i would have thrown the letter out and give up. I would have been jobless so i will drift for a bit but the hope was that i could have at least retain or regain some of my sanity.

Been wearing poker face around the house since then too. My appetite went to the dumps too. I strictly adhere to 2 meals per day and skipped dinner in entirety. I'd still feel hungry but not ravenous to the point where i felt the absolute need to eat. So far, i have not felt anything bad. Just this past week, i have only had a meal per day for 2 consecutive days. Similarly, nothing significant was felt.

Sometimes, it was because of inconvenience. Sometimes, it was because of timing. I'm slowly used to this lifestyle.

...which is going to make it a real pain when the lockdown is over.

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There are some key considerations with regards to my current job. The most important is the timing of the resignation.

July would be the month of performance payout. If i am to drift, which is most likely going to be the case since now i have stopped completely on the job applications, it would be prudent to get that payout. It would set me up for some months. A year even.

Then comes the part when the lockdown is released. If nothing goes wrong, the lockdown is likely to loosen in the coming month. That would mean i have to endure for 3 more months.

3 months is nothing compared to the 18 months that i have passed since i tried getting out. The problem is 3 months in my current mental state. I have absolutely no confidence in being able to endure anymore.

I hate to even think about this...but the lockdown going for longer would be an ideal situation for me. It is extremely unlikely to happen though.

---

Also, still seeking answers as to what i want. Mostly, the mind is wandering around the idea of going overseas. It is the best way of solving most of the stuff i have been fighting in my head now.

That is the first step. What can i do overseas is the next thing to think about. I also need to be careful not to let it become "something i do to solve what i have now". Remember. It is about what i want to do.

What's next?

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