Hello there, i'm already back from the book-out for 2 days, and about to head back in a few hours time.
A lot is going through my mind this week. I had a lot of mental stress, almost break down, had a lot of suicidal thoughts and got through that.
It makes me wonder if i had that kind of superior mentality that i thought i have - to endure all stress and hardships pressed on me, and stand up against the challenges.
No.
More than one time, in a few days, i had thoughts of killing myself...and they are so severe that i actually skipped out on lessons and teachings because "There's no point in listening since i'm going to die soon anyway". Really.
I pictured myself a few days later, on the tenth floor of my building, struggling to climb over the railings to meet my demise. It would be painful, but i would have accomplished what i've always wanted: To put an end into a meaningless life. I was so prepared for it, even went all my way to plan when to do it. I would do it on the last day of my book-out to maximize every minute and second i have. I was that close to death, being attracted closer and closer due to my contact with insanity and despair.
...then i wondered. I remembered that i like to call myself a "God". I remembered that i'm always the cool and calm guy in the group who doesn't succumb to pressure and would calmly formulate a plan to get out of whatever sticky situation i am in.
I also remembered my friends. How i can still meet them and enjoy myself. How i can still have time to enjoy. It's not going to be all work for me. I will still have game time and to meet up with my friends.
Yes. I am god-like, if not a god.
It is horrifying how low morale can affect your thinking, get you depressed and want to kill yourself. Perhaps i'm in depression. It's not like i'm the only one in the world to have ever suffered from it and got close to killing themselves. Some succeeded in doing so. What did they accomplish in the end? Did they prove what they are trying to? No. Nothing. All you get are mental attacks and sufferings dealt to your friends and families. You may feel that you will be liberated from all the chores and duties - Be free - but the people around you will only get hurt, perhaps even blaming themselves for not being able to stop you in time.
I'm depressed because of the working hours, the unfair treatment between branches, and how i might have to serve weekend duties. The fact that my camp is somewhere in a deserted place doesn't exactly helps too...it's bad. Really bad. I don't like it.
Yet, in life, if everything goes according to your way, what would you learn in the end? Nothing. You have lived a wasted life, having no obstacles and challenges to nurture and strengthen you. That is why, as i have come to terms and accepted these facts, i will endure and grow as much as i can for the remaining of my service.
Perhaps i was too obsessed with the idea of "having all the fun while i can in NS", so much that i did not anticipate hardships during this period, hence i was a little disheartened by the cruel fact. But i'll endure it.
Endure, and you'll come out as a better person in the end.
A lot is going through my mind this week. I had a lot of mental stress, almost break down, had a lot of suicidal thoughts and got through that.
It makes me wonder if i had that kind of superior mentality that i thought i have - to endure all stress and hardships pressed on me, and stand up against the challenges.
No.
More than one time, in a few days, i had thoughts of killing myself...and they are so severe that i actually skipped out on lessons and teachings because "There's no point in listening since i'm going to die soon anyway". Really.
I pictured myself a few days later, on the tenth floor of my building, struggling to climb over the railings to meet my demise. It would be painful, but i would have accomplished what i've always wanted: To put an end into a meaningless life. I was so prepared for it, even went all my way to plan when to do it. I would do it on the last day of my book-out to maximize every minute and second i have. I was that close to death, being attracted closer and closer due to my contact with insanity and despair.
...then i wondered. I remembered that i like to call myself a "God". I remembered that i'm always the cool and calm guy in the group who doesn't succumb to pressure and would calmly formulate a plan to get out of whatever sticky situation i am in.
I also remembered my friends. How i can still meet them and enjoy myself. How i can still have time to enjoy. It's not going to be all work for me. I will still have game time and to meet up with my friends.
Yes. I am god-like, if not a god.
It is horrifying how low morale can affect your thinking, get you depressed and want to kill yourself. Perhaps i'm in depression. It's not like i'm the only one in the world to have ever suffered from it and got close to killing themselves. Some succeeded in doing so. What did they accomplish in the end? Did they prove what they are trying to? No. Nothing. All you get are mental attacks and sufferings dealt to your friends and families. You may feel that you will be liberated from all the chores and duties - Be free - but the people around you will only get hurt, perhaps even blaming themselves for not being able to stop you in time.
I'm depressed because of the working hours, the unfair treatment between branches, and how i might have to serve weekend duties. The fact that my camp is somewhere in a deserted place doesn't exactly helps too...it's bad. Really bad. I don't like it.
Yet, in life, if everything goes according to your way, what would you learn in the end? Nothing. You have lived a wasted life, having no obstacles and challenges to nurture and strengthen you. That is why, as i have come to terms and accepted these facts, i will endure and grow as much as i can for the remaining of my service.
Perhaps i was too obsessed with the idea of "having all the fun while i can in NS", so much that i did not anticipate hardships during this period, hence i was a little disheartened by the cruel fact. But i'll endure it.
Endure, and you'll come out as a better person in the end.
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