Resolutions of Life

...getting out of the spiral... Sometimes, it's nice to just have a laugh or smile for absolutely no reason. Other times, just keep a straight face and you'll be fine for the day, at the very least. To that point, i'd say i've done it. ...but even so, no matter how much i seemed like i don't care, it does not mean at all, that i'll let someone ride on top of my head...for long. --- There was this one thing that seriously pushed me over the fence. On Wednesday. So, let me go through the thing, in entirety. It happened during home tutor period. There's supposed to be some class project work for Earth Week, or something of the sort. I really just don't have that kind of mood to participate in something like that. But well, it's not a choice for me to make. Then there was 2 ladies in my group, i swear in my name, who are bloody slackers - being not involved in the discussion, and when told to help, just did not. Who the heck did they think they are? ...w...

When your hope turns into despair... --- I got a B for my Project Work. A lot of people said that it's rather impressive, i mean, there are almost no As at all in our school. When i got the result, i just yell out in excitement. The rush of blood in my head is just so great i'm shouting and shouting and shouting. Without a care for those who have fallen. A lot of my friends are getting un-impressive scores. Coupled with their H1 contrasting subject grades, it is already impossible for them to go to the university. Even one of my friend in my clique. Yeah. Pity is that i don't know what to say to them. What am i supposed to say to them? I bet that anything anyone said just makes them feel worse. So i decided to leave them alone to cool off. --- What's funny comes after that. I feel...disppointment...which is just weird. I am prepared and confident that i can get a B grade or above, but when i knew that i got a B, i just felt that i am able to get an A. My Subject Tutor, ...

A week had passed, just like that. Time seems to flow with no hesitations, every minute and second just passed by us with no notice. I'd think that in the flash of the eye, 7 months would be gone and the final battle would begin. Yet i still felt nothing...i still felt empty and that i'm not doing enough. I am really tired of this daily routine, the endless target-setting, and useless self-reflection. Everytime i'm being reminded that i'm not doing enough, i just forget about it quick. I wanted to change, i really do. But how? One headbutt to the wall and i just run backwards into my hiding hole. Can this be called trying? The worst thing is, i'm actually spending significant amount of time evaluating my emotional progress. Is this what they call depression? Heck, no one should really give a damn unless i want to die. Wait a minute, they shouldn't care if if i wanted to. "I'm so damned tired of this bloody waiting game, and one that might even have a re...